By Natalie Bartlett
Narcissistic abuse is a cycle marked by a pattern of behavior that is characterized by relationships of people who possess narcissistic traits. It is important to note that they often have trouble establishing relationships across all areas of life.
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), also known as narcissists, generally have a severe lack of empathy for others, have a grandiose sense of self, and unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment.
The narcissistic abuse cycle involves first idealizing someone, then devaluing them, repeating this cycle, only to eventually discard them when they have no further use for them. Following are descriptions of these stages.
The Idealization Stage
Characterized by appreciation and “love bombing,” wherein the narcissist connects instantly with you, makes you feel fantastic and that you are on a pedestal. Regardless of the type of relationship, it has a fast, rushed quality to it. If romantic, you will be dazzled with compliments and gifts and it will seem they have fallen in love with you.
However, some control tactics may be present: shaming you for spending time with anyone else outside the relationship and breaking your boundaries. Likewise, you will see fake empathy displayed toward you, fake promises and mirroring of your words and actions.
The Devaluation Stage
This stage usually begins slowly when the narcissist hints you have done something wrong, forgotten something important, or hurt their feelings. Some indicators of devaluation include:
- Passive-aggressiveness
- Backhanded compliments
- Stonewalling
- Ridicule and humiliation
- Name-calling
- No-win situations
- Zero empathy or validation
- Gaslighting – being accused of things you did not do and pressuring you until you wonder whether you actually did them. You start to question your memory and sanity.
Other tactics include: warnings, ultimatums, blackmail, threats of self-harm are all ways to manipulate the victim.
The Repetition Stage
The devaluation stage leaves you depressed and scared of losing the relationship with the narcissist. So, you either try harder to please them OR you pull away to protect yourself. This enrages the narcissist. Therefore, the narcissist starts the cycle of idealization / devaluation over again. Long term, however, the narcissist cannot sustain a relationship, because they must protect their fragile sense of self by belittling others.
“Long term, however, the narcissist cannot sustain
A relationship, because they must protect their
Fragile sense of self by belittling others.”
The Discard Stage
The narcissist decides they are done with you and rejection is usually swift. Or, the victim decides the narcissist is not healthy for them and breaks free, finally.
Who is Targeted by the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
Narcissists can and will target anyone for their cycle of abuse, but most often, there are certain types of individuals that do tend to get “cast” into the role of victim. They are people they believe are easier to exploit or manipulate, such as:
- Socially isolated or the lonely
- Those with a history of trauma or abuse
- Those with low self-esteem
- Those who are financially dependent
- Those dealing with a chronic illness
- Those who are emotionally dependent or reliant on others
